college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
