Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
