Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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