i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
