Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Randomize
