I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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