im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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