Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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