that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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