he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
