I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
