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• (209): View more from California

  He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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• (619): View more from California

  on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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• (562): View more from California

  Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  I cannot FaceTime with your penis

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?

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• (541): View more from Oregon

  My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!

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• (334): View more from Alabama

  You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  at least it's not cocaine like last time

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• (307): View more from Wyoming

  If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.

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