He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
