woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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