Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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