$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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