did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize