My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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