I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
