The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
