I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
