I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
