Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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