Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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