Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
