I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
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