Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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