gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
