You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
