I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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