I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
