Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
