I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
