Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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