my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
