I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
