He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
