I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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