I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
