the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
