dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
