i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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