I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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