Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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