mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
