Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize