well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
