so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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