I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
