Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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