he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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