It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
