I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
