i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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