Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
