You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
