He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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