Moan for me like Helen Keller
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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