i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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