i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
