ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
