so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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