someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
