I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
