We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
